1989-2009, Daul Kim (Photo from Me You, We Two)
Dear Daul,
You don't know me, because I have only ever commented on your blog a handful of times. But I know you, or what of you that you have allowed us readers to be privy to. For that, I thank you. I personally know how hard it is to be so honest, to lay out your heart and show the scars. That is probably the reason I have not written a blog post for a long time. But for you, I will. After 3 days of disbelief and playing your songs, I need to break my silence.
I was... dumbfounded. The news that you were gone shot through me like a bullet. I felt the pain seeping in as if it was a novocaine shot, slowly numbing me. I couldn't believe it, couldn't imagine. I always thought, you were going to make it. That maybe, even if insignificant me never made it through my 20s, you would, and you would triumph over what was holding you back. I've had friends much younger than you leave me when I was much younger in the same way, and though we weren't close at all, it still tore me apart for them to have chosen that way to go.. And now you. Death never gets easier, does it?
Maybe, when I first started taking my antidepressants 7 days ago, I should have blogged, or posted a comment on your blog posts hoping you would read it. But as the medicine kicked in, the nausea and weakness settled in as well and I am sad to say I didn't even consider it. I will regret not relating it to you, however little it may have helped you. At least I would have tried something.
At 20, you are younger than me, and now forever more so. As such, I always felt protective of you, reading silently, cheering you on from the sidelines when you accomplished something, excited to read your witty posts, your selection of music. Your pain reverberated inside me, for I went through my teenage years, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20... until now; deeply steeped in pain, sadness, depression, and not knowing what to make of it. Like you, I never turned to drugs, or alcohol.. Art, Music, Friends, Love; they were my saviours. Many times, I felt lost, so deeply numb that I didn't want to do anything, just wanted to throw it all away.There were days, I would just stay in bed, sustaining myself on water, my usual gluttonous appetite nowhere to be found, just wishing to waste away.
And it hasn't gotten easier as the years have gone by. I understand the moments of weakness, the bone-crushing pain. But it does become better sometimes. Sometimes. I had always hoped that your good times would have been enough to keep you going.
...But what is the point of telling you this now... Sigh.
I have to confess that when I found out you were gone.. I was angry. Horrified and angry. You were AMAZING. Maybe you couldn't see it, but, I could. We could. I was so angry, like one of your other readers, I didn't want to forgive you for leaving us. Sure we never knew each other, never met; but you were so REAL. You shared so much of you with us we felt we really knew you. You had that power.
But I couldn't stay angry. How could I begrudge you your journey? Your choice? I just can't. But forever, I will blame myself for being so steeped in my own misery that I wasn't able to give you the support you needed from us. I shouldn't have been so shy! :'c But then again, right before I was taking the medicine, I was pretty much in the same state of mind as you... It was so hard for me, and I can only imagine what you had gone through.
I wish I could have known what it was like to be your friend, To laugh, share stories and jokes and experiences with you, like i had hoped to one day if I ever made it into the industry. Get you to pose for my shoots, wear my clothes, be my muse. You are interesting, intelligent, funny, witty, and beautiful inside out. I was lucky enough to have been able to read your poems and your observations. I was lucky to have seen you become a Supermodel in my lifetime. But there was still so much I wanted to see you do.. Sigh. Wish me luck hunting down your art - I want to see them in person at least once.
Goodbye&Goodnight, Daulmonster. You'll always be an angel, and you always were. I'll never forget you. You'll always be my muse. Thank you for everything. Have fun with the minimal, we'll rave together someday I hope. I really really hope for your happiness.
Much much love, hugs and kisses,
Ai.
